A Guide to Air Travel

When flying it is most important to become accustomed to your surroundings. One must familiarise yourself with the small idiosyncrasies of each plane and airline. For the awkward and novice traveler can cause unwanted attention from the ageing but attractive air hostess in the middle of her safety demonstration by buzzing for service when they were in fact trying to adjust the seat to the full and upright position as per her instructions.

Once the chair adjustment controls are mastered, one must give the meal tray a test run. Familiarise yourself with the lever action. Is it from the seat in front, or the armrest? Next check for sturdiness. Ensuring you find the sweet spot of balance. Why bother i hear my counterparts scream? Let me set the scene. Six hours into a fourteen hour flight. The air hostess ram raids your personal space with the trolley of food. This attack usually occurs in the elbow region. She asks if you would like chicken or seafood. You, trying to maximise efficiency decide to activate the meal tray while talking broken Spanish. You reach forward, where´s the tray? you bumble with the arm rests. By this time your neighbour, who manages to activate sleep like a light switch and who refuses to acknowledge your existence, snaps up the last chicken. Leaving the dud, and possibly dangerous seafood.

The meal tray sorted, you get your small, cluttered sweaty meal. Eating on a plane is an art in itself. First rearrange the food in the order you wish to eat. I like to go with the savoury first and the sweet to follow. Much like a normal dinner. However rearranging the tray could be dangerous. Once you unpack that puzzle, you will not be putting it back together. I don't know the physics behind it, I'm sure there are entire universities dedicated to discovering the secret, but as soon as you move a pre-packed piece of your meal the tray universe all of a sudden expands at an exponential rate. Cellophane and cutlery spills out in constant state of flux.

Making friends on the plane. This can be done in a number of different ways and can have a number of different outcomes. Some people enjoy people their own age, others are after the opposite sex, others like to find the youngest backpackers with the biggest beards. The grand master wizards of backpacking Level 5. If you are so inclined to meet your life partner on a plane beware the obstacles. Mainly Northface and Thai fisherman pants. Neither particularly sexy. Becoming friendly with the person next to you is necessary. But be wary. Unless your friendship is natural and blossoms, be careful not to move from polite and courteous to more in depth conversation. You are stuck next to them for the next day. And if they have the uncanny ability to sleep on demand this may cause unnatural amounts of resentment.

Now you know a few tips and tricks to Air travel. Use this advice wisely padawan learner.